Cancerwise

I’ve never been a smoker and have always lived an extremely healthy lifestyle. So, when I was diagnosed with a rare stage 4 lung cancer a few months ago, I thought there must be some mistake.

I spent a full month afterward in a state of disbelief. Sometimes, I’d think, “This is ridiculous. They’ve got the wrong person.” Other days, I’d think, “Oh, my God. This is really happening!” It was a time of volatile emotions, fear and uncertainty.

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but around month two after my diagnosis, I had a complete change in perspective. Life became more precious and I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. My senses were extremely heightened, and I started noticing the beauty in the world around me more than ever. It turns out there’s a name for it: it’s called existential deepening.

The comment that helped me reframe my anger

During the first month after my diagnosis, the word that could best describe how I felt was betrayal.

I’d focused on living a healthy lifestyle for my entire adult life. I prioritized eating well, lifting weights and running, and kept my home as free of chemicals as I could. I didn’t have a single symptom, so my diagnosis didn’t make any sense.

I thought, “Did any of my efforts even matter?” It was all very surreal.

My husband pointed out that while maintaining a healthy lifestyle might not have prevented this, it could make a difference now in how well I handled treatments and side effects.

Healthy habits are making my side effects more manageable

That was an excellent point. I take 84 pills a week as a part of the targeted therapy clinical trial I joined at UT MD Anderson. You can’t be on that many pills and not have some side effects.

But mine have been pretty minor and very manageable. Staying as healthy as possible has made all the difference. I believe if I hadn’t, the fatigue and brain fog I’ve been experiencing could’ve been much worse.

Finding new ways to enhance everyday activities

My cancer diagnosis has made me even more committed to taking good care of myself. I’m focused on eating the best cancer-fighting foods and moving daily, sleeping well and finding other ways to tap into the body, mind and soul connection.

Dr. Eric Singhi, my UT MD Anderson thoracic oncologist, encourages both mindfulness and focusing on your personal well-being. I find that so refreshing.

I always thought I understood what practicing “mindfulness” meant. But looking back now, I don’t think I did. It means becoming fully immersed in an activity with all of your senses — the smells, sights, sounds, textures, tastes and emotions happening all at once. When you are truly present in that way, your mind becomes quiet as you absorb the moment.

It takes practice. And, if you are doing it correctly, you won’t be able to think of anything else. That’s how you know you’re being mindful.

I’ve also found new ways to support my efforts at home. For example, I turned an unused room into a wellness retreat, complete with sauna, red light and weights. I also use the outdoor TV on the patio more, by putting on a YouTube yoga class and doing yoga by the pool. I never would’ve done those things before.

Appreciating the little things

There are still some days that I have a breakdown. But most days, my tears are because of the beauty I see in the world. I’m taking it all in. It usually lies in the simple things, such as an American flag waving in the wind, the antics of the squirrels in my yard, birds chirping early in the morning, talking to my friends, or hearing children laugh.

All of my relationships have also gotten stronger, as we are all more focused on the time we have together. It’s not uncommon to be aware of your mortality in your 50s, but a cancer diagnosis can certainly speed that up.

While I can’t say that I’m thankful for cancer, I am thankful for the change in the perspective — and being able to live life now with both eyes wide open.

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